Monday, May 9, 2011

"I'm Not Okay and That's Okay"

Posted by Andria at 12:12 PM
It's been a month since my miscarriage and I thought I'd update on how it's going emotionally. Even though It's been about four weeks, there are times when the wound feels fresh like it were just yesterday and other times where it almost feels like a bad dream that never really happened in real life. It's been quite the eye-opening journey that teaches you things you only learn about yourself when you go through something like this.

One thing is that I'm not as tough as I like to believe I am. There I said it ;) In the beginning I wanted to be okay so badly that I convinced myself that I truly was. That family & friends were enough and that I was truly healing emotionally. Well, I came face to face with the "beast" that is what the community of miscarriage survivors call *triggers* and it was NOT pretty. I've also come to find out that I have quite a few triggers that put me in an emotionally dark place. I finally had to look at my husband and tell him. "Um, ya know something? I'm not okay." It was sort of liberating to say it out loud especially when I've spent a whole month telling friends, acquaintances, church friends & some family, "Oh, I'll be fine", "Yes, I'm doing much better", "I'm doing well, how are you?" I'm not okay and that's okay. I do know that eventually I will be and that I need to allow myself to truly mourn. Something I haven't done fully because I was too busy trying to be strong. I have never been good at letting my guard down and leaving myself vulnerable but that's just part of the process and I need to allow it to happen.

We have resumed trying again. It's been very bittersweet. I know that so many out there would disagree with what I'm going to say next but, I have to do what I feel is best for us. My husband and I have decided that when we do conceive again, we won't be telling anyone especially not our daughter for atleast twelve and maybe even sixteen weeks. It was just so horrible seeing my daughter go through such heartbreak and If I can try to spare her from that again, I will. And yes, I do know that pregnancies can end at any point bu,t atleast the chances at that point will be reduced. Also, having to tell person after person after person that we had lost our baby was way too hard. Like I said, we just feel that it's the best choice for us so in no way am I criticizing those who want to tell people right away.

This is where I'm at right now. I'm doing okay some days and some days I'm not so okay and I'm giving myself permission to feel it all now. This is just another season in my life that I have to go through and in the end, I'll come out stronger for it. In the end. Right now, I don't need force myself to be so strong and I'm no longer going to feel guilty for having to lean on others. There's no shame in needing to grieve...



Devan @ Unspoken Grief™ on May 9, 2011 at 12:23 PM said...

sending you lots of love & hugs. You are so right - no shame in not being okay. xxo

RubyRedMomma on May 9, 2011 at 12:29 PM said...

Aw (hugs) mama. Triggers suck. Once you figure some out you can try to avoid them, but others can be *so* random that you have no idea what just hit you! I started bawling once watching a football game because they showed Drew Brees' pregnant wife WITH their 2 year old son and I thought "that should be me". My poor DH had no idea a football game could ever be a trigger. LOL. Anyways, it's okay to let yourself mourn and I'm glad you are doing that. And I understand you wanting to protect your daughter, I'm sure this whole experience has been very hard on her too.

Johnna on May 9, 2011 at 1:39 PM said...

Hugs mama. I don't care what anyone has to say about your decision to wait to tell people, you need to do what's best for you and your family! You are already such a great mama for protecting your daughter from anymore pain. Give yourself time to mourn and heal and before you know it you will have a sweet newborn baby in your arms. I'm always here for you if you need to vent! XOXO

Rebecka on May 9, 2011 at 1:41 PM said...

So sorry to hear about your recent miscarriage. I've also suffered a miscarriage after several years of infertility treatments, but I'm now the mommy to 5 beautiful children, none of which I've given birth to. My two youngest are adopted from birth and the three oldest are mine through my second marriage. Mine are almost all grown up and I'm about to be an empty nester. Time really flies.

Even after so many years, I still think of the baby I lost to miscarriage. You will never forget the child that now resides in heaven but time will allow the hurt to become more bearable. Thank you for sharing and being transparent about such a personal experience.

I'm visiting from Magnificent Monday Blog hop!

Ashley @ Mama of All Trades on May 9, 2011 at 2:01 PM said...

I will say that DH & I planned on not telling anyone when we got pregnant again after our m/c, but we ended up telling everyone around 10-12 weeks (some friends knew again right away). My logic was, if anything went wrong, I would want to have people to lean on. It was SO hard "untelling" every one when we lost the baby, but it was nice to have people to talk to. Does that make any sense at all?
I wish you the best of luck on your TTC journey!!

Mommy on May 9, 2011 at 10:55 PM said...

Andria.....I am so very sorry for your loss!! I too have went through a misscarrage and its one of the worst things Ive went through!! And yes time heals but some days its like the bandaid has been ripped off and the wound is open all over again!!

with that pregnancy, we told everyone very early...and it was tough untelling everyone......specially because some are so not understanding!
After the first month.....we began our TTC journey once more and it took 3 months before we were blessed with a sicky bean!! I hope it goes quicker for you and you too are blessed with a sticky bean and a healthy pg!

If you need to chat......I'm here!! Been through it....I totally know how you're feeling!!

Mommy on May 9, 2011 at 10:56 PM said...

oops....didn't mean to leave my twitter (although you can follow) but I wanted to leave a link to my site.....and then you reach out if you like!

Mommy on the Move

Princess Mom on May 10, 2011 at 3:01 AM said...

Hugs hunny.. I wish there was something I could say to make it better or easier but I am here if you ever need to chat or what not. I am glads you guys are trying again though..I would prob do the same in sharing the news..

Good luck sweetie..wish you guys the best.. *sending baby making vibes*

Anonymous said...

Sending lots of <3 your way.
I have been through it and i have never gotten over it. I never ever stopped asking myself why.
I will never get over it, but I learn to live with the feelings inside of me.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Jessica on June 23, 2011 at 1:07 PM said...

Hugs to you. Miscarriages are just horrible and I'm sorry your family had to experience it! My first pregnancy ended in a painful miscarriage and even though it has been almost 5 years, I am still not over it. I wish you the best!My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Here's a blog I wrote about it:

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